Fayetteville Gazette
Fugitives Escape During "Pig" Out;
Police Cholesterol Levels Up To 310.

Fayetteville, NC - When asked to comment, Fayetteville Deputy Police Chief Harlon Lee Bidwell said, "It's really not accurate to blame the continued increase in police cholesterol levels on one night of binging on pizza laden with pork products. While we do not defend the meal as healthy, and fully admit the high cholesterol nature of the meal, the officers resent the implication that one night of eating pizza greatly affected our cholesterol levels."

When asked about the search for Mruz and Williams, the portly Bidwell said, "Well, our search is ongoing. So far, we know that the fugitives have not visited any of the Fayetteville area Waffle Houses or Krispy Kremes. We've enlisted the aid of several police departments in nearby counties in both North Carolina and Virginia. We'll be searching Waffle Houses and Krispy Kremes within 200 miles. Those two won't get far."