Just kidding. It's just such a pleasurable headline to greet eleven of us that I had to run it again.

Top Story: Peyton Place

Coming-of-age story set in a small New England village [the DFL] whose peaceful facade hides love and passion, scandal and hypocrisy. Allison [Peyton Manning], a beautiful high school student and aspiring writer [quarterback], struggles to grow up [become the number one scoring fantasy player] under the thumb of her emotionally crippled single mother [Donovan McNabb and Daunte Culpepper]. The mother, Constance MacKenzie [Javon Walker], a woman [wide receiver] with a hidden past [in his third year], is now aroused [the fourth highest scoring fantasy WR] by the temptations of the new high school principal [Bob Kupbens]. On the other side of town, Allison's best friend Selena [Kevan Barlow, Alge Crumpler, Dave Akers, and Domanick Davis] lives [score in double digits sometimes but not all at once] in a shack with an abusive stepfather [Sandy Taylor]. As the seasons change, so do Allison [Peyton] and her friends [The Small Beverages], as they struggle [cruise effortlessly] to mature [kick some ass] in the stifling small town [The DFL]. Finally, Allison [Peyton] leaves Peyton Place [has a bye in week six], but she returns [in week seven] to help Selena [Kevan Barlow, Alge Crumpler, Dave Akers, and Domanick Davis], now accused of murdering [stomping back to the bottom of the league] her stepfather [Sandy Taylor]. The trial [the 2004 season] will expose the town's [the DFL's] bankrupt moral standards [The Hairy Centipedes]and finally bring its citizens together.

Bob is 3-0 and has the most points of anyone in the league.

Second Story: Genius "climbs" from cellar

The Genius posted a mediocre 50 points this week. He didn't so much climb out of the cellar. He more hung on for dear life as JaJets JaRule pulled the rip cord, watched in stunned surprise as plates, sandwiches, and forks flew out, and plummeted to rock bottom.

The Taylor boys settle down.

"My big brother is so cool. I want to be just like him." Nice job, Andrew, you made it. You tied Sandy's low water mark.

The Triplets <snicker> went a combined 0-3 in Week 3 with the younger brothers following Sandy's lead.

Time-traveling Fantasy Fantasy Matchup We'll get to see:

The Genius vs JaJets JaRule. Week 5.

Will one of them win this week, or will it be a must win game in week 5? (As in, "Excepting the unlikely event of a tie, one of these teams must win.")

Public Enemies #1 and #2 square off this week. The Pedes big gun faces the Arizona defense. Unfortunately, one of Sandy's wide receivers receives from Curt's QB. The Genius has resorted to starting Kerry Collins. The running back matchup looks to be in Curt's favor. Will the Genius be 0-fer going into the titanic battle in Week 5?

JaJets JaRule faces a ridiculously good 0-3 team and currently has a non-starting running back in the WR/RB position. However, Seattle has a bye, so HeavyT's big guns will be on the sideline for this one. Heavy's best play may be to use a wide receiver in the WR/RB slot. Interestingly, HeavyT went unmanaged in week 3. If two players are allowed to start with a bye, Mr. Uz may have a shot. Can JJ sneak off with a win against a team without its top draft picks available?

Will we get to see the midget wrestling matchup we want in Week 5? Stay tuned...

One of these teams will be 3-1!

Along the lines of "well, one of these teams is going to win," the Fleas face the Warriors this week. One of these will lay claim to what should be HeavyT's record. Unbelievable. (In your face, Sandy!)

One of these teams will be 4-0!

The Small Beverages face the <yelling> STONE GOLEMS</yelling>* in a battle of undefeateds.

While pulling off an 3-0 record so far, the <yelling>GOLEMS</yelling> are only the sixth highest scoring team in the league. Looking at the matchup, things seem to be in Bob's favor. However, it's not about points, it's about wins, and Mike has been managing to get them.

* I'm having a little trouble CONTROLLING THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.

Ass Spanking Of The Week: Vick's Vapo Performance

Tough call this week.

Matt's perfect record was spoiled despite scoring a respectable 60 points that would have beaten a few teams.

The Steel Warriors lost by the largest margin this week: 45 points.

The Genius had his best week this year (still only 50 points) but couldn't book a win to deflect some of the glare from his golden goose egg.

I'm going to give the title this week to The Top Bananas who lost to a team that scored only 40 points.

Michael Vick was sacked six times, fumbled twice, and threw an interception. He ran okay, but not well enough to undo the damage from his mistakes. He did not score. The much ballyhooed offensive phenom contributed -1 to Andrew's total. Combined with only 3 points from the Tennessee defense, the Bananas tied the season low of 31 points against a team whose WR/RB, Derrick Blaylock, wasn't starting for his (real life) team. The Bananas could have gone 3-0.

Lucky Son Of A - Of The Week:

New Potatoes.

You know it, Rick.

You lucky, lucky son of a -.

Ambulance Chaser Of The Week:

Sandy Taylor.

Another early morning pickup by The Genius. The early turd contains the worms.

At 8:05am on Monday, Sandy grabbed free agent Kerry Collins. In the late game on Sunday, a helmet-to-helmet sledgehammer hit by Derrick Brooks of the Bucs broke a vertebra in Rich Gannon's neck.

I find this whole turn of events rather frustrating. First, Hairy Balls managed to trade with JaDraft JaRuined for a decent running back by waving the carrot of Jeff Garcia. JJ subsequently responded by waiving the carrot of Jeff Garcia, showing how effectively Balls worked the trade game on a newbie (more on this below). At least, JaShafted followed up with a good exchange, dropping Garcia for Rich Gannon who, despite last year, had some real fantasy potential.

But then Gannon gets demolished, The Turd scoops Gannon's backup, Curt bites the head off a snake and spits the blood onto a voodoo doll of Mr. Uz, and the karmic cycle is complete.

Welcome to the league, John. Pay attention to the next article.

Before I wrap up this section, I want to point out that we have some "Honorable Mentions" in this week's Ambulance chaser Of The Week running. These are technically not eligible because no injury was involved, but they do show an embarrassing dedication to the game.

Honorable Mention #1: Colin's Crushers

Crushers picked up Brandon Stokely in a Sunday afternoon trade, while Stokely was still playing in game in which he was doing well. Stokely has seen a lot of action, both on the field and in the DFL with Colin's Crushers. Stokely went undrafted before being picked up by Matt in Week 1. Then Stokely was dropped by the Crushers, but in a "You know I love you. You know I didn't mean it" moment, Crushers brought Stokely back into the fold in the middle of a Colts game.

Honorable Mention #2: Thunderfleas

While I was poking around doing research for the Opus, Steven Jackson was waived by JJ. Onterrio Smith turns into a pumpkin this week with a bye followed by four suspension games. In a shameful attempt to play the injury lottery (maybe the pteradactyl will hit Faulk next time), the Thunderfleas immediately grabbed Jackson. Total waiver wire time: about 15 minutes.

Do NOT trade with Curt!

Okay, it's John's first year. He gets a free trip to Curt's Outhouse Of Tradable Players.

But now he knows better, and so should all of us.

After Bettis scored three touchdowns (on five carries for one yard), Curt tried to trade him to CJ for Marshall Faulk. When CJ declined, Curt simply dropped Bettis. The message here is clear. Curt's approach to trading in the DFL is "I believe this player on my team has so little value that I wish to cut him. Will you give me a great player from your team for him? You may cut the bad player later, if you want."

As a point of note, the current best team in the league ended up with Bettis without doing Curt a lick of good.

So, if one of you checks email and finds a trade offer from The Hairy Centipedes, I want you to get on a plane to Boston, grab a cab to Lexington, and put your foot up Curt's butt (consequently stuffing back in the players he's trying to trade).

Now, to put a fine point on it, please take a look at how a player Curt successfully traded away performed this week:

"The Browns' quarterback posted a 0.0 passer rating by going 8 of 27 for just 71 yards, three picks and no touchdowns."

and:

"Jeff Garcia, Browns: Do you know how hard it is to have a QB rating of 42.2? Quarterbacks usually cannot get their completion percentage that low, let alone their QB rating. This is because Garcia went 8-for-27 for 71 yards and three interceptions against Dallas last week. It was a performance Ryan Leaf would have been proud of."

Don't let this be your fate.

Quote of the Week:

From Yahoo Sports:
"It was a performance Ryan Leaf would have been proud of."

Second Quote of the Week:

From Tuesday Morning Quarterback on NFL.com:
"This year's "What's Sexy Now?" issue of InStyle is 620 pages. The Sun Also Rises is 251 pages."