Stranded at the drive in
Branded a fool
what will they say
Monday at school

Sandy can't you see
I'm in misery
We made a start
Now we're apart
There's nothin' left for me

Love has flown
All alone I sit
And wonder wh - yi-yi-yi
Oh why you left me
Oh (and five) Sandy

Oh (and five) Sandy, baby, someday
When High School is done
Somehow someway
Our two worlds will be one
In heaven forever
And ever we will be
Oh please say you'll stay
Oh (and five) Sandy

(Spoken)
Sandy my darlin'
You hurt me real bad
You know it's true
But baby you gotta believe me
when I say I'm helpless without you

(sung)
Love has flown
All alone I sit
I wonder why-yi-yi-yi
Oh why
You left me
Oh (and five) Sandy
Sandy Sandy
Why-yi-yi-yi

(spoken)
Oh (and five) Sandy

Second Story: Mruz, Williams Out; Trump In; Trump United Defeats The Genius

Law enforcement officials were unable to locate fugitives John Mruz and Ricky Williams late last week, but real estate, gaming, and reality TV mogul Donald Trump found them right in his lap.

Fayetteville, NC Deputy Police Chief Harlon Lee Bidwell commented on the fruitless search. "We had guys as far north as Dunkin Donuts in Massachusetts and as far west Lamar's in Colorado. Those guys were just nowhere to be found."

But a security camera above a roulette table at the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City located Ricky Williams, disguised as a Miami Dolphin, placing a bet of $250,000 on number #34. The 35-1 payout would have given Williams $8.75 million, enough to pay off his debt to the Miami Dolphins with a little leftover to pay child support.

An alert security guard notified Taj owner Donald Trump. Trump had Williams followed to a Motel 6 on the outskirts of Atlantic City where Mruz was found fashioning a makeshift water pipe, or "bong", from soda can, a straw from McDonald's, and, again, some aluminum foil.

Trump, always alert to bargains, quickly purchased the team from Mruz, installing Mruz as General Manager. But later in the day, Mruz was fired.

The next day, Trump renamed JaJets JaRule to Trump United, put Ricky Williams on waivers, and acquired both starting wide receivers for the New York Jets. The newly purchased and overhauled team booked a win in their first week, defeating the hapless, winless The Genius, owned by Sandy Taylor.

Both teams had been winless coming into Week 5. Both teams had previously suffered ignominious defeat at the hands of an unmanaged team. Many called this "a playoff game" for the two teams, with the loser having very slim chances of advancing to the finals in 2004.

The Genius posted his second lowest score of 2004, a paltry 37 points. In what has become a hallmark of a mediocre week, The Genius's highest scoring player was his kicker.

Trump United, on the other hand, scored a franchise high 49 points. The Baltimore defense was back in form, and Jacksonville quarterback Byron Leftwich had a strong showing. The 49 point performance was enough for the franchise to overtake The Genius is season points, placing the Genius in the cellar in both record and scoring.

An embarrassed Sandy Taylor renamed his team The Jean Yuss and continued plumbing the depths of the free agent market. On the bright side, The Jean Yuss pulled off an interesting trade with The New Potatoes.

Third Story: One Of Those Rare Trades

The New Potatoes traded their backup quarterback, Kurt Warner, to The Jean Yuss for another NFL starting running back, Quentin Griffin, to spell the struggling Stephen Davis. This leaves The Spuds with only Chad Pennington at quarterback. The Jets are unbeaten this year and already passed an early bye, but the Jets offensive line has been whittled down by injuries to only one of its original five starters. Griffin and Davis should both be available this week, coming off injuries.

The Jean Yuss is deep in running backs. The elder Taylor's roster is also deep with should-be-decent-but-badly-underperforming quarterbacks. The Jean Yuss is the unfortunate owner of the most underperforming team in the league.

Both teams take some risk. If Brees stays hot and Trent Green returns to form, The Jean Yuss might regret parting with Griffin. But as things have panned out to date, this doesn't seem like a bad move.

This is a very interesting trade that looks to be good for both teams if Pennington stays healthy.

Curt Wu had nothing to do with this trade.

Ass Spanking Of The Week: United We Stand

Wow. Not since Little Beaver took on Lord Littlebrook in Wrestlemania III has the world watched a migdet wrestling championship with such baited breath. And there it is. Fall from grace utterly complete.

DFL founder Sandy Taylor just cannot seem to win this year. Even the wildly managed JaJets/Trump team stepped up and posted their highest score of the year the week they played Sandy.

Lucky Sons Of A - Of The Week:

New Potatoes and Donald Trump.

The New Potatoes, needing a win at 1-3, won by a mere two points against the unmanaged HeavyT, just before Teddy's return to management. HeavyT, also 1-3, beating JaJets JaRule during the unmanaged streak, now offers Teddy a 1-4 hole to manage his way out of. However, with both Seattle big guns on his roster, Teddy may garner some wins yet and dish out some defeats to those at the top of the league.

Donald Trump was much in the news over the past week taking the helm of Trump United and facing the other winless team. A big win for the Donald. Now Trump can focus on preparing scouting reports for next year's draft while getting through this season having deflected some of the glare.

Spawn Of Trader

Gearing up for the DFL season, Curt Wu, owner of the Hairy Centipedes, executed a preseason trade with his wife, former DFL owner Diane Pursley. Curt offered one week of after dinner dishwashing in return for one night of condomless coitus interruptus sex. "Completely safe," assured Wu.

Curt and Diane are expecting their first child in the late spring. Congratulations to Curt and Diane!

Curt is already drawing up papers to trade Tyrone Wheatley to his child for candy.

Opus goes 5-0; DFL Owners not amused

First week owner Donald Trump, flexing his muscles, threatened to buy the Opus and fire "editor" Daniel Wakabayashi if the Opus did not go to print this week. Wakabayashi agreed. When Trump turned around, Wakabayashi gave him the finger and waggled his hips. But when Trump turned back around, Wakabayashi straightened up, scratched his temple, and smiled.

With a phoned-in, last minute effort, the Opus managed to squeeze in a new edition by the end of the workday on Friday, maintaining the Trump demanded perfect publishing record. But DFL owners, readers of the Opus, were not at all amused.

C.J. Taylor is quoted as saying, "I look forward to the Opus on Tuesday mornings. If it's not there, I check again Wednesday. After that, I've lost interest. By Friday, I'm not even curious anymore."

Curt Wu, owner of the luckily 4-1 Hairy Centipedes, said "The irregular weekly timing of the Opus doesn't get to me. I've known Daniel for 16 years, and I have come to expect that he will not deliver on time. Last time I saw him, he insisted he was still going to finish a 2.02 problem set from the first week of his freshman year.

The thing that does bother me is how he is lowering the ethical standards of fake journalism. I mean, we live in a renaissance of fake news, with Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon revitalizing Weekend UPdate on Saturday Night Live and the Daily Show getting its best ratings ever. And then along comes Daniel, taking advantage of the trust in fake journalism that has been built up in the public mind and spreading lies about me. For instance, I'm pretty sure the quarterback I traded to [ousted DFL owner] John [Mruz] didn't get a 0.0 passer rating that week. Daniel and ESPN completely fabricated that story.

That's kind of getting under my skin. But I really blasted him back in the forums this week, posting a poorly structured, hard to follow accusation that he tried to do some advantageous deal with me. I implied pretty strongly something about him keeping but promising not to play Priest Holmes and then going back on his word. I'm sure that muckraker is feeling the sting from that one."

DFL founder Sandy Taylor, winless after five weeks this season, said, "I pretty much don't find the Opus funny at all. And recently, I feel that the jokes have gotten rather repetitive."