In what is becoming a more and more flagrant disregard for its readers, The Opus again published a very late edition. In addition to the late timing of The Opus, several good stories were given short shrift or overlooked entirely.

Donald Trump, having scored a first win in franchise history during his first week of DFL ownership said, "Trump United was ahead going into Monday Night Football. In Week 6, we posted the highest score in franchise history. We carried a narrow lead into MNF facing a dusted off Brian Griese. It was a near upset against the top ranked team in the league. And The Opus didn't carry the story."

When asked to comment on The Opus not covering the game, Bob Kupbens, owner of The Small Beverages, said, "Trump is ridiculous. It was never that close. I was behind by a point with my quarterback the only player left to play in the matchup. Everyone knew I was going to win. It's a non-story. Trump can blow it out his <expletive deleted>."

DFL owner and Harvard slut Matt Lekstutis commented, "Teddy finally got back to managing his team. I had been on a three game slide despite Daunte Culpepper. A win against me, and we are both a down-but-not-out 2-4. But the Seahawks played the New England defense. Now I'm back in the thick of it, and Teddy is really hurting but with a great roster. This was a like a playoff game for HeavyT. It'll be interesting to see whether Teddy can stage a comeback. Interesting to everybody but the staff at The Opus, I guess."

Stop Your Begging owner Doug Feinberg exhorted, "Behind by 35 points after Sunday! 47 points during Monday Night Football! The biggest comeback in the recorded history of the DFL! In the AFC Wildcard game for the '92 season, the Bills were only down by 32 points. This is the greatest comeback in vaguley-football-related history!"

Andrew Taylor, who suffered the short end of the amazing comeback, commented, "Actually, I didn't need to hear about it again."

Andrew's older brother, Sandy, owner of the 0-6 The Jean Yuss, said, "C'mon! I almost won this week! Well, okay, I almost tied. And in the end, I just lost. Again. But I'm doing all I can to keep my story fresh with a new way to lose week after week. And Fuckabayashi gives me a short little paragraph as "First Runner Up" in his stupid "Ass Spanking Of The Week" column and a tiny quote, spoken in confidence mind you, in a story ABOUT HIMSELF!

That masturbator waits till Saturday and then writes a story about his own team. No one cares! I think my one point loss, keeping me winless, was definitely worth my third Top Story in the Opus this year. That, or Doug's comeback against my stupid little brother. I can't wait for Doug to beat Dan's ass."

Thunderfleas Top Out At 5-1, Number 2 Ranking

The Thunderfleas are near the top of the league, riding a four game winning streak. But they face Doug's SYB this week, also on a four game winning streak.

When asked to comment on how he expects this game to go, Thunderfleas owner Daniel Wakabayshi said, "Doug is heavily leveraged on the passing game of a real ground and pound St. Louis team. Since C.J. stupidly traded the star running back of that team to me for yet-another-St-Louis-receiver, I'm holding all the cards here. Martz is a very conservative coach who likes grinding out the inches. He only passes in situations of dire need, like second and goal on the one. Third and goal, he might resort to Stephen Jackson, so I clearly can't start that guy. Marshall Faulk is a key contributor to the St. Louis non-red zone offense. Miami has no defense and no hunger. Game over, Doug."

But Wakabayaski's bravado doesn't ring true according to Feinberg. Feinberg revealed that on Tuesday, after seeing the matchup, Wakabashi sent him an email containing the following:

"Doug,

Please don't start Droughns at Cincinatti or the St. Louis defense at Miami. Please, put Morgan and Bledsoe in you lineup this week. This is my best start in years. Please. Really, pretty please. With sugar on top. Would you? Please.

Thanks,
Daniel"

Feinberg responded to the pleading email with, simply, "Stop it."

In a pre-game press conference, Stop Your Begging laid down the gauntlet saying, "On Tuesday morning, I'll be wiping Number 2 off my cleats."

League commissioner Sandy Taylor, attaching himself any way possible to some kind of winning, said, "Dalton rules. I think my co-worker is going to put that loudmouth exactly where he belongs, seven spots above me."

The Opus tried to reach the second place Thunderfleas for a last minute rebuttal before going to press, but Wakabayashit was busy turning over cars and lighting them on fire on Yawkey Way.

Ass Spanking Of The Week: "Stickin' your tongue in her holiest of holies ain't the same ballpark; it ain't the same league; it ain't even the same fuckin' sport."

Second runner up: Top Bananas Monday night loss to SYB. A 35 point lead is a pretty warm blanket. The blanket was snatched away so a cold, cold hand could deliver a merciless ass spanking. Stop Your Begging score 47 points during Monday Night Football, stealing the number four overall spot from the Bananas and banishing the Bananas to the third plane of 3-3 Mediocrity.

First runner up: Much more of a heart breaker than an ass spanking. Brandon Manumaleuna had a touchdown in Week 5. Going into MNF, the winless Sandy was down by only one point to the Spuds. Sandy had Manumaleuna as the only player yet to play in the matchup. Sandy had to stay up until after midnight to see whether Manumeblahblahblah would catch a ball, just once, for 20 yards. It never happened. A one point loss keeps Sandy the be all end all of DFL punchlines.

A.S.O.T.W.: The Yankees blew a 3-0 lead in the ALCS, a fall from the brink of victory so drastic that sports writers, having no comparison in major league baseball history, had to turn to ancient hockey to find a blown chance of similar proportions.

Making the humiliation complete, the $252 million Alex Rodriguez shamed himself and check-signer George Steinbrenner with a bush league runner interference.

Commenting on the play, former NFL running back Ricky Williams said, "Alex is just out there trying to win. I respect his determination, sticking with the game as a 29 year-old. Hey, Alex, can I borrow a nine-spot?"

Stop The Presses!

The staff of The Opus has been temporarily consumed by a wacky little game with a small, hard ball, no goal line, and no net.