A week before the draft this year, I realized I was screwed. I had no updated football knowledge since the Superbowl, no time to do research, had to miss the draft because I had Red Sox tickets, and probably didn't have time to pre-rank my players. I should've known things would get bad when two trips to local newstands for the Sports Illustrated NFL Preview turned up nothing.

Another season down the tubes. Thank goodness that I at least had my first Big Excuse lined up early!

Then, I had a moment of hope thinking back to last year. Sandy drafted live, had hit the books, and I couldn't possibly do worse than he did for the first half of the season. What's the absolute worst I could do?

But then it hit me. Short of a bad accident or a life threatening illness, I would never be able to muster an excuse of the same caliber as Sandy's 2004 DFL excuse: new wife. (Maybe I'll be able to use this excuse some day. I live in Massachusetts, so my odds are twice as goo... are double.)

About 45 minutes before I had to leave the office to get to Fenway Park on draft day, I decided to ditch 45 minutes worth of work to protect a season of DFL matchups. I logged into my dusty Thunderfleas account and clicked on "Pre-rank Players".

Let's see now ... Tom Brady should go near the top so that I have a Patriot on the roster ... maybe Corey Dillon up a few spots ... push Daunte down a few notches ... hmm ... I wonder where I'll be picking in the draft this year. Okay, let's save and see where we are.

That's interesting. Brady's not at the top. And... hey, wait a minute! None of my changes are saved! Let's try that again... No dice. CRAP!!!

What's this small print hyperlink at the bottom of the page... "Page not working for you? Try this version."

Whew! There's another page I can try, and it's ... the "ten thousand click" version from 2001.

Okay, 25 minutes left. Where's Brady. Okay. Up button. Click click click. Click click Click click Click. Damn, this is going to suck. Click click Click click Click.

Save. Check results. Okay, Brady is at the top. Next.

Click click Click click Click. Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click. Save. Check results.

What?! No changes?! Oh, I'm in the regular, doesn't-do-squat, waste-your-precious-time pre-rank page! Dang! 18 minutes left!

Okay, where am I? Super clicky page. What are we looking at? What the hell are all these tight ends and kickers doing ranked so high? Nobody's even going to draft a wide receiver in the first two, may three, rounds. Okay, let's get all these low-fantasy-point-scoring-position players off the top of the rankings. Last year I was hurting for running backs because I drafted two quarterbacks in my first and third picks. Not this year! Let's push these running backs up!

Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click.

Damn this is cumbersome! How do things look? I have to GO!

...

Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click Click click Click click Click.

Time is up. Pencils down.

Live Draft

First pick overall in the 2005 DFL draft goes to ... Thunderfleas! And the first pick is ... Tom Brady of the New England Patriots!

DFL Owner #1: Brady?

DFL Owner #2: Number one overall?!

DFL Owner #3: That's how he pre-ranked? What about Ladainian Tomlinson? The guy hasn't had a week without a touchdown since week three last year.

DFL Owner #1: Or Manning? McNabb? Culpepper? Holmes? What's he thinking?

DFL Owner #2: I'm not sure he was.

Sandy Taylor: I am so going to kick his ass this year!

Setting a new low in DFL practices: pre-ambulance chasing

So, I got home from the game. Late. 30% sober.

"Who did I get? Who did I get?"

"Brady, okay. Who's Kevin Jones? Oh, Lions guy. That's right. Like every year in recent memory, this is the year the Lions are going to turn it around. The pundits really mean it this year! Yeah, right. Okay, who else. Deshaun Foster. Wait a minute. Is he starting this year?

Crap! I only have one running back who is a starter?! Oh no, not again! I can't spend another year hoping that Ontarrio Smith is going to play this week. Who's still a free agent?

Just as I thought: no starting running backs available in free agency.

Okay, what teams have offenses geared around one premier running back? What backups can I get?

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Okay. Now, if Edgerrin James, Jamal Lewis, Stephen Davis, or Thomas Jones goes down with an injury, I'll have a second starting running back. (Not that I wish ill on anybody!)

And I have some decent wide receivers. Maybe I can make a trade for a running back.

Aftermath

September 10th: Thunderfleas trades away Torry Holt, highest yards-per-game average of any receiver in the NFL over the past four years and ranked by the "NFL Value Meter" as the most valuable wide receiver in the game for Julius Jones, a second starting running back. Jones runs for a somewhat anemic offense, run on the field by Drew "It wasn't clear that I was the problem until I left New England" Bledsoe, but at least Jones is a Cowboy. And he starts.