Miami, FL - In one of the strangest crimes since the financial backing of Leonard Part VI, recently retired NFL star running back, Ricky Williams, has been taken hostage. The bizarre scene that unfolded along interstate 95 yesterday involved a Tek-9 shaped water gun, Chinese finger cuffs, and an enormous marijauna cigarette, or "joint", rolled using the entire sports page from USA Today.

The kidnapper, later identified as Orenthal John Mruz, stole a police car and uniform, and performed a simulated police raid of Williams home. Williams, engaged at the time in what experts refer to as a "Mexican Bake-Off", surrendered to Mruz without a struggle. At what he believed was gunpoint, Williams put his arms behind his back and allowed himself to be placed in Chinese fingercuffs. Mruz seized the bake-off materials and led Williams to the back of the stolen police car.

Mruz then drove onto I-95 North. The missing police car was located by the Miami police via transponder in the radio, and its position and direction were passed along to Florida State police. Six Florida highway patrolmen responded, all driving newly appropriated unmarked white Ford Broncos used for speed traps and to combat drug trafficking.

A low speed chase ensued for over 500 miles along I-95 with a row of white Broncos following a safe distance behind the police vehicle. Mruz stopped for gas twice, the second time leaving both toy gun and Williams in the vehicle as he entered the gas station convenience store and purchased two packages of Drake's "Sno-balls" snack cakes. Police, eager for an extended media frenzy and holding onto hope for a blood-soaked climax, declined to apprehend the fugitive and fidgeted impatiently while Mruz fished in his pockets for exact change and leafed through a copy of Jugs before returning to the car.

The chase came to an end at the Motel 6 in Fayetteville, NC, and a tense standoff began at 9:35pm last night. Mruz pulled into the Motel 6 apparently after sighting a pre-arranged signal from Motel 6 spokesperson Tom Bodett, who left the light on for Mruz. Bodett is in custody and may be charged as an accomplice in the Williams kidnapping.

Mruz, described by friends and family as a ""wild-eyed fanatic", is a first year team owner in the D Football League, or DFL. Pressured to buy a team and draft players without information about the NFL since 1990, Mr.Uz, as he is referred to by fellow owners, drafted an exceptionally poor roster. Mruz, winless so far this season, has been in a heated tussle for absolute last place with fellow owner and DFL founder Sandy Taylor. While a showdown between these two has been avoided until this week, Mruz apparently came undone after losing to an unmanaged team that featured a starting quarterback and starting running back who were on their bye week. He also broke the low score record of 31 points, set previously by arch rival Taylor. (Mr. Uz's low score will not, however, make it to the DFL record books. Even that "achievement" has been witheld from him thus far by the power-sliding Colin's Crushers.)

Mruz's hopes for a first victory were dashed Monday night as the Baltimore Ravens' defense collapsed against a previously anemic Kansas City offense. As Chiefs running back Priest Holmes surpassed a hundred yards rushing, carrying his fantasy team, Thunderfleas, to victory over the Steel Warriors, Mruz began to twitch and sweat. After Holmes' second touchdown, Mruz, now suffering a terrible nervous tick, got up from his couch and left the house, mumbling, "I'm going to get a star running back, too."

The standoff at the Motel 6 entered the realm of truly fantastical around midnight. Pacing back and forth, Mruz eventually became interested in the drugs and paraphernalia seized earlier from Williams' home. Opening one of Williams' several one kilo bricks of marijauna, Mruz found a source of rolling paper in the motel provided copy of USA Today. (Bodett may also be charged with distribution of paraphernalia intended for the use of illegal drug consumption.) About half the brick was dumped on the front page of the sports section of the paper featuring a photograph of Williams in front of a broken and empty piggy bank next to a letter printed on Miami Dolphins letterhead.

Before the arrival of sophisticated listening equipment, two FBI lipreaders were brought in to observe Mruz and Williams through the unshaded motel window. As Mruz rolled the extremely large marijauna cigarette, he could be seen mouthing the phrases "monster fatty," "aw yeah," and "that's what I'm talking about," while Williams nodded enthusiastically.

The two lit and shared the joint, with Mruz holding the joint for Williams to draw. Williams made a face though, and some words were exchanged. Apparently following directions from Williams, Mruz extinguished the joint, went to the bathroom, and unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper. Using some aluminum foil from Williams' seized kit, Mruz began to roll the foil around the cardboard tube from the center of the toilet paper. However, Mruz, who studied electrical engineering, seemed to be unable to execute Williams' simple mechanical commands.

Surprising all present, Williams' released himself from the fingercuffs, apparently able to do so all along, and retrieved the foil and cardboard tube from Mruz. With Mruz looking over his shoulder and nodding, Williams constructed a makeshift marijauna pipe, or "bowl", that he then loaded with the remains of the unfinished USA Today joint.

The two shared the bowl for some time. Eventually, Mruz got up and opened the second package of Sno-balls. Williams demanded them, and Mruz refused. A very, very short struggle ensued, and Williams ate the Sno-balls.

The two sat in sullen silence for about ten minutes.

Then suddenly, at 12:56am, the two seemed suddenly energized and searched the room in a frenzy, overturning a small table and pulling out the dresser and nightstand drawers. The search ended a minute later at 12:57am, when Mruz and Williams located the local phone book. The two began leafing through the phonebook and arguing, first looking under 'D', then under 'P', and finally under 'R'. At 12:59am, the two dialed the phone, holding the receiver such that both men could hear. The two displayed obvious relief and became much less agitated. Mruz was seen reading a credit card number into the phone, and the short call ended in under three minutes.

In an interview the following morning, Gerald Lee Preston of the Fayetteville Domino's reported that Mruz and Williams "were very relieved that we stay open until two [a.m.]."

29 minutes and 44 seconds later, a rusty, faux-wood-paneled 1972 Chrysler Town And Country station wagon sporting a Domino's light on the roof and a blood-stained front fender, screeched into the parking lot of the Motel 6. A Domino's employee jumped from the driver's seat and grabbed the first seven of the 26 pizzas ordered by Mruz and Williams.

Police stopped the Domino's employee with the intention of confiscating the pizza. However, upon discovering that all 26 pizzas were topped with anchovies, pineapple, and ricotta cheese, the delivery was allowed to continue. As Mruz signed the receipt, frustrated law enforcement officials shouted jeers at him, such as, "I dare you to point the squirt gun at us, you coward!" and "Just give us an excuse!"

Continuing to refill and smoke the marijauna pipe, the two men dived into the pizzas with gusto. They laughed hysterically at times and swatted at bright red pin points of light that appeared on Mruz's forehead and torso. The points of light, which seemed to originate from somewhere behind the recently arrived S.W.A.T. vehicles, occasionally appeared on Williams as well.

Law enforcement and Miami Dolphins spokesmen declined to comment.

About 20 minutes after the arrival of the pizzas, the two men leaned back contentedly on their respective beds, loosened their pants, and released their distended bellies. Only two of the 26 pizzas had been touched. FBI lipreaders alleged that Mruz then said, "Ricky, I am so high right now."

At 2:05am, a second delivery from Domino's arrived, this time an order for 40 pizzas for law enforcement officers at the scene.

When asked later about the second delivery, Fayetteville Deputy Police Chief Harlon Lee Bidwell indicated that the pizzas ordered by Mruz and Williams were "inedible and unconfiscatable," the product of "typical junkie thinking." He decried the eclectic choice of toppings as "unpatriotic" and "something an Iraqi terrorist might order." The portly Bidwell boasted that the Fayetteville officers had ordered only toppings that could have been made, as he put it, "entirely from North Carolina hog products." Later in the evening an unsubstantiated rumor spread that one of Fayetteville's finest had requested mushrooms but the request was turned down.

As law enforcement officers finished off the last of the pizza and returned to their stations, they realized that Mruz and Williams had fled. A Motel 6 night clerk, Henry Lee Krenz, had witnessed the escape. He claimed that Mruz appeared to be asleep, and that Williams was carrying him. The clerk reported, "I saw Williams come from the shadows behind the motel and run into the field. He picked [Mruz] up and on that one carry, he rushed away from [the motel] about 110 yards, turning into the woods shortly before that brushy zone at the end of the field."

Investigating the scene, officers found that the marijauna and makeshift pipe had been taken. They also found the following note, directed to DFL owners, explaining the terms of Williams ransom:

"This is a special message from eventual league champion JaJets Rule<sic>.

I nOw HaVe RiCkY wIlLiAmS oN mY rOsTeR. yOu ArE aLl HoSeD. tHe OnLy ThInG tHaT CaN sAvE yOu Is To tRaDe Me YoUr ToP qB, rB, tE, aNd Wr FoR hIm. YoU hAvE 24 hRs. BeSt DeAl WiNs.

PS: YoU mUsT pRoViDe HiM hIs OwN pOt/GrAsS."

A spokesman for the DFL, Robert Kupbens, explained that the note seemed to imply Mruz's return to the DFL as an owner in 2005. "The term 'eventual league champion' must mean John intends to play again next year because there's absolutely no way he's beating me this year," explained Kupbens. "Besides," added Kupbens, "his team name this year is JaJets JaRule. I'm pretty sure he must mean next year."

When asked whether Mruz's recent behavior surprised him, Kupbens shrugged and replied, "not really."

In the latest twist to this strange tale, the ransom note has been sent to the FBI handwriting analysis lab in Washington, DC. The misspelling of the team name, the eyewitness report that Mruz was asleep during flight from the motel, and the request for marijauna have some believing that the note was authored not by "wild-eyed fanatic" Mruz, but rather by a regretful Williams with an $8.6 million bill to pay.

Current whereabouts of Mruz and Williams are not known.

Rest assured that reporters at The Opus will follow this story wherever it may lead, even if it leads nowhere at all.

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Related articles:

ESPN

Yahoo Sports

Fayetteville Gazette

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Second Story: Kickin' It DFL Style

Hairy Centipedes owner, Curt "Trader" Wu, had this to say about his team's performance in Week 4:
"Kind of sad when you're<sic> leading scorer is your kicker..."

And indeed, by that criterion, it was a remarkably sad week for the DFL.

In Week 1, there was no team with a kicker as its highest scoring player. The average score was 61 points.

In Week 2, there was one team with a kicker as its highest scoring player. Heavy T lost with Matt Stover scoring 12 points. The average score in Week 2 was 56 points.

In Week 3, there was again no team with a kicker as its highest scoring player. The average score was 60 points.

Up until Week 3, there was only one instance out of a possible 36 of a kicker being the highest scroing player on a team.

In Week 4, there were four teams with a kicker as the highest scoring player:

• Steel Warriors: kicker scored 13, team scored 60.
• Hairy Centipedes: kicker scored 14, team scored 41.
• The Small Beverages: kicker scored 18, team scored 78.
• Colin's Crushers: kicker scored 8, team scored 26.

Interestingly, Mr. Uz's ransom note mentioned trading him quarterbacks, running backs, wide recievers, and tight ends, but not kickers.

Records Are Made To Be Broken

In addition to the low average score this week, Sandy and Andrew Taylor's record low performance of 31 was smashed by not one, but two outstandingly poor performances. Cellar dweller JaJets JaRule scored 29. But the once 2-0 Colin's Crushers swooped down (way down) and snatched the new record with a score of a mere 26. Every player on the Crushers posted a positive score, but every single one scored very little. It's the kind of week we all fear.

HeavyT, starting Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander during the Seahawks' bye week, outscored both these two and <guffaw> The Genius. In a demoralizing turn of events, HeavyT was matched against JaJets JaRule, keeping JJ 0-fer and setting up...

Battle For The Planet Of The Ants

The Genius vs JaJets JaRule. This week, only in the DFL!

The midget wrestling matchup we've been waiting to see is finally upon us!

Both teams floundering: 0-4. Both teams flailing: tied for the lead in personnel moves this season. Both teams currently starting Vikings running backs: The Genius has Mewelde "I was fourth on the depth chart a few weeks ago" Moore, and JaJets have Michael "I had knee surgery on Monday" Bennett.

Keep tabs on the latest starters in this fantastic matchup here:
Sad.

Ass Spanking Of The Week: Bye, Bye!

So painful. Going into Monday Night Football, JaJets were down 28 to 32. But, JaJets has the Baltimore defense, averaging 13 points per week over the first three weeks and scoring as high as 20. HeavyT has the Baltimore kicker, Matt Stover, averaging seven points per week over the first three weeks. Things looked hopeful for JaJets first win (and a real slap in the face to the other winless team, The Genius). An average performance by the Ravens would leave JaJets with a two point victory, a needle popping the balloon in their win column.

But it was not meant to be. Despite starting players on their NFL bye week at the two most important fantasy positions, HeavyT, unmanaged for weeks, took the win. Nobody manages better than The Genius and JJ.

Lucky Son Of A - Of The Week:

Hairy Centipedes.

Scored 41. Moved to 3-1. Denied The Genius his first victory.

I drift away in the middle of the workday sometimes, daydreaming of such victories.

(But then I drift back, and go back to working diligently, on The Opus.)

Quote of the Week:

From C.J. Taylor, 9/22/04, describing John Mruz to fellow DFL owners:
"I don't think I've seen John since he graduated so he might have changed from the wild-eyed fanatic that I knew back then."

Retraction

Some harsh words were written in last week's Opus about the trading habits of Curt Wu. Curt issued a public statement this past week in an effort to clarify some alleged misunderstandings about his trading habits. In response to Curt's shedding light on some proposed trades from earlier this season, the Opus offers the following retraction:

Sno-balls snack cakes are branded Hostess, not Drake's as previously reported. Both brands are owned by Interstate Bakeries, which also sells under the Wonder Bread brand. The Opus takes journalistic ethics seriously and sincerely apologizes to all who rely on it as a resource of truth.

Second Quote of the Week:

From Yahoo Fantasy Sports, 10/5/04:
"Thunderfleas,

Hairy Centipedes has proposed the following trade:

Tyrone Wheatley (RB Oak)

for:

Priest Holmes (RB KC)"